Going Inward

Lately I’ve been trying to formulate some way of understanding my world, the world around me and the world beyond. As humans…so much comes at us on a daily basis and we have to figure out how to process all of it. We end up feeling like ultimately we have to take all of it in and try to understand what it means to us and how to assimilate it into us. This becomes so confusing and so overwhelming. We drink. We smoke. We jump into religious groups. We sit under a tree and meditate. We learn how to do spells and bind webs and blue bubbles around ourselves for protection. We call psychics. We go to therapists. We jump off the into the deep end. We self emplode. Or…maybe if we’re lucky, we remain completely unaffected by the energy around us and afar.

I’ve been reading books on Witchcraft, learning how to meditate, learning how to bind myself from picking up energy that is less than constructive, and realizing more and more what I am able to cast off from my old self that may be limiting my full potential as an adult and a liberated being. I even…finally…saw a therapist, which turned out to be two of the most mind blowing hours of my life. There were a few…”here it is”…but mostly there were the really uncomfortable rhetorical questions that make you go…”errrrhhhgggg.” I really thought that the desert landscape of Santa Fe and its mirrors were finished with me. My thought was that there is nothing left here for me. I have grown enough as a person for the next ten years. But things seem to be speeding up in the evolution of humanity and there are the birds in the sky and the butterflies on the land saying…”keep up. Don’t be left behind. The world is changing.”

During my two hours of self examination and having my ass handed to me on a platter, I realized many things. Too many things to write here that should not be written because we are all on our own journey and one person’s “ah hah!’s” are certainly not intended for everyone. But the really important things were…if it does not feel like love, then it is probably not from you. And…we are to give ourselves permission to be okay with what we’ve done, thought and felt in this lifetime so far. It is all part of the journey. It is all a piece of the great puzzle of learning and the evolution that is to take place within each one of our spiritual bodies during the present incarnation. Does this mean that it is okay to do things outside of the normal moral code? Don’t steal, don’t kill, don’t rape, plunder or pillage, don’t say something that is going to hurt someone else, don’t take land…or OIL that is not yours, etc etc etc… But the things we feel compelled to do, that are right and productive, are part of the path we walk upon. We are to continue down that path until we reach the next clue. Or…if we feel there is just no clue to be found on that path, or it is too thorny and overgrown to be able to see the clues…then we get off. Or if we are really stubborn, we carve our way through. There is no point…no end game…no finish line. We should have learned by now if we are watching the modern scientific community, that it is not linear. We are spiraling endless through space. But…we are all connected. The idea…as John Lennon blazingly risked his life to promote…is to love. Love gets us through the trials that we predestine ourselves to in order to work through the lessons that we’ve not yet mastered. If we try to work through it without love…then we die without accomplishing the task and have to repeat it in the next lifetime. And I would hate to mess up this time and have it be a more obvious choice in the next lifetime. Obvious choices are frightening.

But furthermore, if we are approaching our evolutions with love, then we should also be okay with the present and future thoughts, paths and choices that we feel are right for us. Why try to justify it? Why try to analyze it or explain it away to the people we feel subject to? If we trust ourselves…then shouldn’t those who have our best interests at heart trust us as well? If they have a negative reaction to your thoughts and ideas, you must ask yourself it they are projecting their fears, lusts, desires and/or own ambitions upon you. How much easier would it be, to take a stride in absolute confidence and…in an attempt to avoid using the word faith, which has picked up a very destructive definition in western society…lets use: poise, buoyancy, trust…love.

In an attempt to be more productive, these are the choices I have made over the past week. I’ve made decisions which are going to change the course of my life for the next few years. I am giving up some things…yet again…but I am taking back parts of myself as well. I am no longer asking permission…but instead presenting my thoughts in confidence, love and clarity…and asking for a blessing. Sometimes its easier when your star charts align with different planets. Sometimes its easier when you’ve been on a cleansing spa retreat. Sometimes its easier after a night in a sweat lodge. And sometimes all you need is to sit on your adobe hut under the thick blanket of stars in the New Mexico sky…but it is always easier…when you love yourself.